I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
The Joker was right
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.