We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.