At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
You Might Also Like
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
You can’t rush stupid.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.