Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age