For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
bought wrong eggs
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.