Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off