Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Great acting.. 😂
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie