My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]