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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”