*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit