If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”