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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Can. I. Help. You.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song