Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.