You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”