Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”