They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
that’s really how it is
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*