No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.