Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: