We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
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In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
May never get over this
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.