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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Lmaoo 😂
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
he’s doing your taxes
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.