[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?