If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week