*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.