Peppa pig = spicy bacon
You Might Also Like
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
monday
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?