Oceanography is all about current events
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I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
(yawn)
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
We’ve all been there…
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
This is a true ally.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.