My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?