Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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Free him
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
They’re not wrong
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.