My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.