Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.