You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.