I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I only eat vegetarians.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When they try to steal your moment.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine