Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”