Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?