[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…