The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming