Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.