Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
You Might Also Like
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Vodka burrito was a success
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Simple
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
A collection of me turning into random objects.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…