Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
An odd boast
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.