I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me irl
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.