If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?