“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
me, too, girl. me, too.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.