Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Lmao the reply
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.