I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it