5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian