Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.