Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes