Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My first son he is wonderful
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what