Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house