Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no