Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Perfection.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then